How Do I Teach My Kids to Listen?

“The first duty of love is to listen.” —Paul Tillich

Children listen best when you listen to them. If you talk more than you listen, your child will tune you out. Many problems in parenting can be prevented by the simple practice of listening well. What you do as a parent will be easier and more effective if you listen first.

Most of us have experienced wanting to talk about an important, upsetting, or critical event, only to have others jump in with unsolicited advice, judgment, or “one-up-manship.” It doesn't feel good, does it? The last thing we'd want is to make our kids feel that way.

Let's try this instead:

• Listen without interrupting

• give your full attention

• Try not to judge, or defend, or think up a "good" answer yet. Just listen, and let them get it out.

• If your child is struggling to find words for how they're feeling, "You can try saying things like, "It sounds like you are feeling angry" or, "When I have that feeling, it makes me want to ___. What does it make you feel like doing?"

Paying attention to what your child is saying and feeling will, firstly, help you understand what they need. Be quieter, give your full attention and allow your child to process on their own. You can empathize and still set firm limits on misbehavior. You can relate to the feelings your child is having and show them a way to manage them. You can even do this with a sense of fun.

When you listen to your children, they are more likely to consider any advice or adhere to any consequence. If you encourage your kids to talk, and allow yourself to listen, it may not take much more than a word or short phrase to get your point across. And, sometimes, the simple act of listening leads them to discovering that same point on their own.

“Really listening and suspending one’s own judgment is necessary in order to understand other people on their own terms.... This is a process that requires trust and builds trust.” —Mary Field Belenky

Encourage your child to talk by showing attention, reflection, curiosity, empathy, affection, and delight.