How To Get What You Want From Your Parents

How would you like some tips on how to get your parents to listen to you, understand you, and give in more? Just follow these steps, and watch the bickering slow, and your freedom grow!

1. If you are wrong, admit it. It will make the other person much more willing to listen. If your mom or dad bring up that time you DIDN'T do your homework after being allowed to see a movie first, or the time you came home late, to the time you listened to a friends bad judgement and got in trouble, ADMIT IT! Say, "I was wrong, I shouldn't have done that, that was a stupid thing for me to do." Say something to let them know that you recognize your past mistakes. This will do several things: It will let your parents see how honest and responsible you are. It will set the stage for them to give in to you (you gave in to them by agreeing with them) It will stun your parents, because you are actually agreeing with them!

2. Don't try to prove of convince your parents that they are wrong; you will just get an argument. If you are tempted to bring up ways that your parents went back on their promises, or didn't do something they said they would, or otherwise proved that they weren't perfect, RESIST THE TEMPTATION! You know how this makes YOU feel: You want to defend yourself! You want to argue back! If you try to point out your parents' mistakes, they will just want to argue back with you, and you will not get what you want, because...

3. You can't WIN an argument. Arguments leave everyone feeling angry and resentful. So, even if you DO get what you want today, your parents may react by tightening up their rules tomorrow. The trick in getting something from someone isn't presenting a better argument, but rather getting them to do something they already agree with, So, you can...

4. Say something that you both agree with. If your parents are concerned for your safety, remind them of the times you have acted safely and responsibly in the past. If it is true, they will agree that you CAN make good judgements. If your parents don'want to see a bad report card from you, remind them of how you brought your grades up last term. If it is true, they will agree with you. You will find there are lots of things that you both agree on. You can say, "We both want to get along." "We both want me to get through high school." "We both want me to stay safe playing sports." "We both want me to have fun without doing drugs." "We both worry that I might get in over my head." "We both wish I could keep my room clean." But, If it is not true (You don't mind a messy room while your parents want it spic'n'span) say, We both wish we could stop arguing about my room." That's something they'll agree with. (I'll bet they want to stop nagging you about your room almost as much as you want them to stop nagging!) What if you will NEVER agree on an issue? Say something that everybody agrees with: "It's frustrating to have this same argument over and over again, isn't it?" or "I wish we could come to a decisions that feels right for both of us." Those statements surely must be true. Another thing you could say is...

5. "If I were you, I'd think exactly the same." (Do exactly the same, react the same, etc) This is true! If you were exactly like your mom you would do exactly what your mom does, right? (This doesn't mean you WANT to be exactly like your mom.) But if you had her experiences, her thoughts, her feelings, her body, her beliefs... If you were JUST LIKE HER, you would act JUST LIKE HER. Right? This is not giving in at all, but sometimes makes parents feel like you are so mature for recognizing that they think different'y than you do, AND gives you something to agree on. Your parents will (with luck) remember that if they were you, THEY WOULD FEEL EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. Hopefully, this will help them understand what you want, and make them more likely to give in a little. You can also

6. Appeal to your parents' good qualities. Talk about the good things your parents believe in, and try to relate it to what you want. If your parents feel very strongly about safety, and you want to stay out later, say "This would be a good way for me to learn how to stay safe when you aren't around to protect me." If your parents value responsibility, say "I'd like to use this chance of seeing a movie before doing my homework as an opportunity to show you I can be responsible." If your parents value honesty, tell them you appreciate how you can be honest with them, even when you disagree. Always tell the truth, but there's no reason you can't...

7. Make the facts VIVID, interesting and dramatic! So, tell a story about that time you were very tempted to cheat on a test but didn't. Give your mom a big bear hug and a big squooshy kiss next time you finish your homework and say "Thanks Mom for teaching me responsibility." (What mom wouldn't remember that next time you ask for something!!) Imitate your dad telling you what a "fine job" you did cleaning your room next time you clean it. Go overboard; make it funny and cute. Play up the times you do things that make your parents proud and happy. They won't believe you if you tell a whopper, but there's no reason you can't point out your best characteristics in ways that will make them sit up and take notice. Do this even when you don't want something from them; They'll remember.

Use these skills to gently remind your parents that you are growing up, and growing more intelligent, more thoughtful, and more responsible every day. Do this by admitting when you’re wrong, and not pointing out when they are wrong. Avoid arguments; instead, find something to agree on. Point out their good qualities, and play up your own good qualities.

Most importantly, you want to remind your parents how it is a good thing for them, too, if they give you what you are asking for. Soon, you’ll have your parents’ respect, and will get to do more of what you want to do!

[Adapted from How to Win Friends and Influence People, (revised edition) by Dale Carnegie, Pocket books, New York, 1981.]