Motivating Your Child

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

– Thomas A. Edison

When our child isn’t doing what we want or expect them to do, we are quick to jump to the conclusion that they don’t want to do it. But they might not know it needs to be done. They might not know why it needs to be done. They might not know they are expected to do it. They might not know how to do it. They might not know how to do it well. And sometimes, they just haven’t practiced doing it enough.

Sometimes kids truly do not know that something needs to be done. Simply pointing out that the garbage needs to be out by the curb before eight o’clock in the morning or it won’t get picked up might help them actually take the garbage to the curb.

They might not know they are expected to do it.

When Debbie began playing tennis, she assumed that since there was a line down the center of the court, the person on the right side of the court was supposed to hit the balls that bounced on the right side of the court, and the person on the left side of the court was supposed to hit the balls that bounced on the left side of the court. Because Debbie didn’t know either person could hit balls on other side of the court, her partners got frustrated with her, and thought she was lazy or unmotivated. After Debbie played for a while, her coach told her if her partner moved to the left to hit a ball, she should move over to cover more of the court. All it took was someone explaining the expectations to Debbie to get her to change her behavior.

Making your explanations clear, with specific instructions, will help your child succeed. Explaining to your child the purpose behind your expectations will make them more likely to comply.

Another way to limit problem behavior is to take action that makes problem behavior unlikely. Instead of explaining to a young child why knives are dangerous, simply take the knife away. If you have a toddler, don’t keep breakable items on the coffee table. Instead of taking your young child to the tempting toy aisle to pick out a birthday present for a friend—a sure recipe for a temper tantrum—give the child a couple of choices; then pick out the toy yourself. If your child tends to forget to take their coat to school, hang the coat on the front doorknob. Set your child up for success instead of creating situations that make it is easy for them to disobey.

Darren’s son, Noah, was supposed to bring in the garbage can on trash day. Noah was a daydreamer. He would walk right past the garbage can without noticing it. He wasn’t purposefully defying his father; he just hadn’t yet developed the habit of dragging in the trash can. When Darren got home from work and saw that the trash can was still at the side of the road, he would yell at Noah to go bring it in. Noah would, but it was an unpleasant weekly practice for both Darren and Noah. Instead of continuing a pattern that clearly wasn’t working, Darren attached a bright red hat to the garbage can. Noah may have easily daydreamed his way past the trash can, but not when the trash can had a hat on it! After a few months, Noah developed the habit of noticing the trash can, and the hat was no longer necessary.

Parents sometimes inadvertently set their kids up for misbehavior. Don’t ask your child with chocolate all over their face if they got into the cookie jar. You know they got into the cookie jar. Asking them tempts them to lie or defend themselves. Say, “I see you got in the cookie jar,” instead. Don’t ask your child if they have homework, ask, “What homework do you have?” Asking if they have homework makes it easy for them to disregard or deny the homework they have. Making it easy for a child to behave works better than making it easy for them to disobey.

“Seek opportunities to show you care. The smallest gestures often make the biggest difference.”

– John Wooden