Praising Your Child

“The cost of praising someone is nil—but every psychological study shows the payoff is huge.” – Harvey Mackay

Parenting is more than responding to bad behavior. It is also responding to good behavior. Shouldn’t we spend as much time working on our response to good behavior? Studies show that children (and adults) respond more favorably to praise than punishment. Positive reinforcement is the most effective way to get your child to repeat behavior. Praise can nourish and preserve your relationship with your child.

“Most people do not receive nearly enough appreciation. How can this be when appreciation is free, easy, and readily available? All you have to do is speak. Go give some away now.”

– Roberta Shaler

When our children does something we like, we want to praise them in a way that encourages them to do it again. We want praise they can internalize. We want praise to help them see the values underpinning their behavior. We want praise to make them feel proud, and to make us feel proud of the child we send out into the world.

“We must return optimism to our parenting. To focus on the joys, not the hassles; the love, not the disappointments; the common sense, not the complexities.”

– Fred G. Gosman

Praise is just as important as consequences. Although sometimes praise comes naturally, it may take time to come up with sincere, specific praise. Almost anything a young child does can be immediately (and sometimes irritatingly) reinforced by praise as simple as smiling or clapping. When a baby smiles, their parents smile back and engage more with the baby. Then the baby smiles more. When a baby waves “bye bye” for the first time, their parents say, “Yay,” and clap their hands. The baby smiles and waves “bye bye” again. A toddler will do something and look at adults, waiting for their approval in a smile. When school-aged children tell jokes and people laugh, they tell the joke again, expecting laughter—then they tell it again. It only takes one success for them to repeat the behavior.

There are some specific ways to praise that work well.

Have you ever had someone praise you by saying, “Wow, you look good today!” It makes you wonder how you looked yesterday. Have you ever had someone praise you by telling you something you know isn’t true? “This is the best chocolate cake ever!” Do you believe them? Praise that we don’t believe can make us distrustful, rather than encourage us. If someone says, “Great job!” you wonder what was so great about it.

Olivia knew she wasn’t the best singer in her glee club. At one point, while learning a difficult song, she asked a better singer to help her. After singing, Olivia asked if she got all the notes right. The other singer said, “You did better, and you were quick to find the right note if you didn’t hit it at first.” That was more helpful than an insincere and vague, “You did great!” or a critical, “You didn’t hit the right notes.” It was also better than an insincere and unhelpful, “Yes, you got all the notes right.” She learned to trust and take the advice of the singer who helped her because her praise was positive, sincere, and accurate.

Repeated or exaggerated praise begins to sound insincere and loses its effectiveness. When someone praises us insincerely, we question their motives. Insincere praise might make us think the other person is trying to get something from us, rather than give something to us. It might lead us to distrust the person praising us. It might also lead us to distrust our own self-evaluation.

One dilemma in schools is about merit-based awards versus participation awards. While it is nice to be inclusive, if every child gets an award, they begin to lose their value. Studies have shown that children actually work harder for merit-based rewards. There is a way to include all children, while also being sincere.

Jessa played tennis in high school. At the end of the school year, her coach gave every team member an award. Since every team member couldn’t possibly be the “most valuable player,” the coach took care that the awards were personal, accurate, and sincere. She did give awards for “best singles player” and “most wins” but also gave awards for “most improved,” “most spirited,” “best sportsmanship,” etc. Because the awards were sincere and truly reflected the qualities of each player, they were all accepted with graciousness and pleasure. Jessa knew she wasn’t the best player, but she knew she had great team spirit. Winning “most spirited” clearly showed that her coach noticed and valued her contribution to the team.

Two very simple ways exist to make praise accurate and believable. You can simply say what happened. A baby smiles and we naturally say, “There’s that smile.” When a toddler uses the potty, we say, “You used the potty!” If the child takes out the trash the first time we remind them, we say, “You took out the trash after one reminder.” If a teenager comes home before curfew, we say, “You came home before curfew.” Be a mirror that reflects what happened and add positive emotion or descriptive word.

If you are trying to reinforce a particular quality, you can add a descriptive word. “You got an A. That’s commitment.” “You took out the trash after one reminder. I’m pleased.” “You came home before curfew. I’m relieved. Thank you for being considerate.”

In high school, Miguel always got good grades on his papers. One time, he thought his paper was not up to his usual standards, but he still got an A. He wondered if the teacher actually read his papers. The next paper he wrote, he purposefully made glaring mistakes. He got an A. His grades became unhelpful because they weren’t an accurate reflection of his work. He began putting jokes or inappropriate comments in his papers. Miguel could have been learning, but his high grades did not help him nearly as much as accuracy would have.

The most effective praise is an honest reflection of what you feel or what you see. If someone bakes a chocolate cake that you are enjoying, you can say, “I’m loving this chocolate cake.” If someone writes an excellent paper, you can say, “I read your paper; it was easy to follow, you incorporated ideas from your research, and you gave a clear summary at the end.” You can certainly add more general words of praise: “I’m loving this chocolate cake. You’re a great cook!” or “Your paper was easy to follow. Great job!”

Simply reflecting what you saw them do is a great way to praise your child. Saying, “You were stuck on that level for five days, and you kept going back to it,” will remind a child of their determination. Adding, “That takes determination!” isn’t always necessary, but can strengthen the praise. Also, adding how you feel can strengthen the praise. “You were stuck on level five for days, and you kept going back to it. That takes determination! And I felt proud.”

The closer praise is to a specific behavior, the more effective it is. When we tell dogs to sit, we give them treats right after they do so, not two hours later. Children have longer memories, but several benefits exist to praising them immediately after an event: It’s easier to be specific and sincere, it increases the chances the child will learn, and it shows the child you are attentive to them.

“You must reward the kind of behavior that you want.”

– James Mattis

Numerous studies show that repeated positive reinforcement works better than repeated punishment in changing behavior. If you truly want your children to do something differently, catch them doing it correctly, and praise them. Or catch them doing something where they display similar skills or qualities, and praise that. If you want them to be responsible for doing their homework even when it is difficult, praise them for being persistent enough to get through a difficult level of a game they are playing. Remind them of their determination to work through difficult problems, even when they get frustrated. After you praise them several times for being determined and not giving up when playing video games, next time they get frustrated with their homework, acknowledge their feelings of frustration, and remind them very honestly that you believe they have the determination to do it. They’ll believe you because you’ve told them so before.

You can actually create events to elicit praise-worthy behavior.

Yesenia, a ten-year-old, was very shy and did not like to talk in front of people. Because she rarely did so, her parents had little opportunity to praise her for talking to others. So, they thought of every example of times she interacted instead of being shy and praised her for specific examples. They reminded her of the time she said “Trick or treat” by herself. They reminded her of the time she explained her science fair project to strangers. They simply repeated to her what they saw, and added statements like, “That shows bravery,” or “I was impressed when I saw you give that speech.” Yesenia’s confidence grew, and she felt more comfortable interacting with others.

“Instruction does much, but encouragement everything.”

– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Praise is also a way to encourage your child to follow their dreams and try new things. If your five-year-old daughter dreams of being a ballerina, you can praise her grace, athleticism, and persistence. You can give her opportunities to practice those attributes, whether by enrolling her in dancing classes or simply watching her twirl in the living room. She will better develop the skills you praise whether or not she becomes a ballerina. If your ten-year-old son daydreams of beating up the school bully, you can praise him for his sense of justice and his bravery. You can talk to him about people you admire who have found ways other than violence to pursue justice and show bravery. He will value justice and bravery, even as he finds a different way to respond to a bully.

Jordan was fourteen when she told her parents that at eighteen she planned to move to New York to become an actress. Instead of focusing on the dangers of such a move, Jordan’s mother first praised her enthusiasm and independence. Then they spent countless hours researching what it took to live in New York. Instead of thinking her mother was dismissing her dream, Jordan felt encouraged and supported. That allowed Jordan the freedom to explore her dream in a practical way, and decide whether or not moving to New York was truly what she wanted to do.

“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.”

– Lao Tzu

Our goal isn’t to have our children’s behavior dependent on rewards, just as our goal isn’t to have our children’s behavior dependent on fear of punishment. We want our children to do the right thing because they believe it’s the right thing to do. As you praise your child, you will see their good actions become habits. Habits result when the child has internalized the message and behavior. Once they internalize the behavior, it is not as necessary to praise them for that particular activity. But be sure to offer praise for the behavior once in a while to ensure it continues, and to show your appreciation.