Using Your Child's Mistakes as Teaching Moments

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.”

– George Bernard Shaw

Most of us think of mistakes as something to avoid. Before inventing the light bulb, Thomas Edison “failed” to invent it many, many times. He made mistake after mistake after mistake. Instead of viewing those experiments as mistakes, he viewed them as significant successes.

When asked, “Mr. Edison, how did it feel to fail (to invent the light bulb) 999 times?” Edison smiled and replied, “Young man, I have not failed 999 times. I have simply found 999 ways how not to create a light bulb.”

Thomas Edison believed in making mistakes. While Edison is known for inventing the light bulb, I believe his greater contribution may have been his perspective on mistakes. He also said, “The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

Edison believed mistakes were essential on the road to success. Making mistakes means you are trying to learn. They shouldn’t be avoided; rather, they should be celebrated, because mistakes bring us closer to success.

If Thomas Edison, often called “America’s greatest inventor,” made mistakes, it’s pretty likely your children will make mistakes, too.

Not only will your children inevitably make mistakes, but it is important to allow them to do so. Mistakes will help them learn. Falling is what helps toddlers learn to walk, and what helps kids learn to ride a bicycle. Toddlers can learn the mechanics of walking in a baby walker, but since the walker prevents them from falling down, it takes toddlers who use walkers longer to learn to walk. It takes them longer to learn balance. While it may seem safer to put your child in a walker, it’s actually safer to help them learn balance. If kids are not given the opportunity to fall, it is harder for them to learn to walk. If kids aren’t given the opportunity to make mistakes, it is harder for them to learn.

“A parent’s job isn’t to prevent their children from falling, but to pick them up when they do.” – Aaron DeCamp

The mistakes children make are opportunities to teach. Understanding and evaluating mistakes helps them learn. Helping your child understand and evaluate their mistakes is part of being a parent. You can be patient with your child when they make a mistake. You can be understanding. You can even be grateful. Every mistake they make when they are younger is one less mistake they are likely to make when they are older and the consequences are greater.

Be patient with repeated mistakes. Repeated mistakes reinforce the lessons your children are learning.

When Veronica’s daughter, Sutton, was about six, she wanted some juice but could not figure out how to open the juice box. She came up with the creative solution of cutting a hole in the bottom. Of course, juice spilled out all over the kitchen floor in a sticky mess. As Veronica and Sutton cleaned up the juice together, they had a wonderful discussion about how Newton “discovered” gravity when an apple fell on his head and how Galileo experimented with how fast objects fall. Sutton was a scientist just like Newton and Galileo. She discovered juice will run out of the bottom of a juice box if you cut a hole in it. She “discovered” gravity. Sutton’s mistake not only gave Veronica a wonderful opportunity to teach, but it gave her daughter confidence and gave them both a wonderful opportunity to bond. Veronica did talk to Sutton about asking an adult for help when using a sharp knife. She also showed Sutton how to open a juice box. And Sutton did have to clean up the juice she spilled. By focusing on the “mistake” of opening a juice box at the bottom, Sutton began to think of herself as a scientist. Because of this mistake, Sutton’s knowledge increased (she learned how to open a juice box), her confidence increased (she began to think of herself as a scientist), her trust in her mother increased (she realized her mother knew the proper way to open a juice box), and her relationship with her mother strengthened (she had a pleasant and inspiring conversation with her mother). All of these are important. Perhaps the least important of these is learning how to open a juice box. Arguably, the most important is strengthening the relationship between Sutton and her mother. Because of that experience, Sutton will feel more comfortable sharing and discussing mistakes with her mother.

If a child isn’t given the freedom to fall, they aren’t as quick to learn to walk. If a child isn’t given the freedom to make a mess in their high chair, they will be slower to learn to manage a spoon and fork. If a child isn’t given the freedom to be cold, they won’t listen to you when you tell them to bring a coat to school. Mistakes teach us specific things, and also deeper lessons about responsibility, organization, empathy, cause and effect, etc.

If your child makes the mistake of stealing when they are six years old, you can address it more easily than if they steal as a teenager or an adult. If your child fails to turn in their homework in fourth grade, you can address it much more easily than if they don’t turn in homework in high school. Addressing it in fourth grade might help them turn in homework in high school or might prevent them from being fired for irresponsibility as an adult.

It is important to allow our children to make mistakes. It is also important to guide them before and after they make a mistake. They still need guidance even if they’ve learned from their mistake; perhaps you can use the mistake they made in one situation and ask them how they can apply it to other situations. To teach them to ride a bike, you create a safe environment, provide encouragement, show them how to ride, explain how to ride, ride with them, and give them opportunities to practice. And then you allow them the opportunity to make the mistake of falling. You also talk to them afterward to help them learn. You can talk to them about why they fell; maybe they fell because they hit a large rock, or because they weren’t paying attention, or because they were riding too fast. You can talk to them about what they might do differently next time. Also, you pick them up, comfort them, and encourage them after a fall.

“There are two ways to keep a child from drowning: never let them near the water or teach them how to swim.”

– Unknown

Letting a child have their own experiences works better than warning, explaining, lecturing, or limiting them. Allowing them the space to make mistakes is more helpful.

“I think that the best thing we can do for our children is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to be strong, allow them to experience life on their own terms…let them be better people, let them believe more in themselves.”

– C. Joybell C.

It’s okay, and even responsible, to remind your child of the possible consequences of their mistakes. A good baseline is to caution them no more than three times. After that, they will either tune you out or think you are trying to control their lives rather than on your message.

When kids make a mistake after we have cautioned them, not only do they learn the lesson, but they also learn that their parents might actually know a thing or two. Maybe they’ll listen to us next time. Maybe they’ll listen to us in more serious situations. Wouldn’t it be nice if your child thought you were really, really smart? If that appeals to you, instead of lecturing and protecting your child from bad decisions, caution them once or twice; then let them see for themselves how smart you are!

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”

– Scott Adams

The lessons from some mistakes are obvious; in that case, just let your child draw their own conclusions. The lessons from other mistakes might be more difficult to figure out. When discussing it with them, let them talk first, giving them the opportunity to figure out what they could have done differently. If they can’t figure it out, let them know your thoughts in one minute or less. (If you can’t say it in a minute, it’s probably too complicated for them to grasp. And after a minute, they will tune you out, anyway.) Say, “When you did A, the result was B. What could you do differently next time?” The idea is simply to repeat the sequence of events.

“When you cut the box of juice, the juice all spilled on the floor. How can you get juice next time?” “When you didn’t study, you got a ‘D’. How can you prepare better next time?” If they can’t come up with any ideas, or don’t know what to do differently, you can absolutely give them ideas: “Let’s practice opening a juice box,” or “Next time, you could ask for help.”

You might suggest ideas by saying, “What do you think about having a set time and place to study?” or “It helps me to tell myself if I study for an hour, I can reward myself by doing something fun for an hour.” Rather than telling them one “right” answer, make suggestions.

Give them one or two acceptable solutions, and let them pick for themselves. This teaches them to make their own decisions, reminds them that you trust them, and stops them from thinking you’re trying to run their lives.

“Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.”

– Anonymous

Vic used to say that he didn’t expect his children to do many chores because it was easier for him to do them himself. That way, the chores would be done “properly.” At fourteen, his son did not know how to make a bed, cook a meal, or use the washing machine. His son not only lacked skills, he also lacked confidence. By doing too much for his son, rather than allowing his son to struggle and fail, Vic did not set him up for success as an adult.

Sometimes, over-indulging a child is much easier to do than watching them struggle—much easier than watching them make mistakes. Setting them up so they can never make a mistake teaches them that you lack confidence in their ability to learn. It teaches them to be overly dependent on others. They grow up not only lacking skills, but also without a sense of how to learn new things.

At fifteen, Wes’ daughter got a job with three-hour shifts. The job was twenty minutes away. Instead of indulging his daughter by giving her a bigger allowance, he allowed her an opportunity to learn responsibility by getting a job, even though it was inconvenient to Wes. It would have been cheaper and easier for him to give her money than drive forty minutes, wait an hour and a half, and do it again, Wes believed that to have his daughter learn responsibility and commitment was worth the inconvenience.

If the consequence of the mistake your child might make is too dangerous or damaging, it is more important to keep them safe. However, if it is an age-appropriate mistake, they will learn more if you let them experience the consequences for themselves. You can also discuss your own (and others’) mistakes with your child. Children don’t always understand that adults struggle. They think money “grows on trees” rather than realizing how hard we work for it.

They think food magically appears on the table because they don’t really know the process and planning it takes to feed a family. They think things are tough for them, but that things come easily to adults. They don’t see our inner processes. They think we “just don’t understand.” If we share some of the mistakes we have made, then they will believe us when we tell them mistakes are normal and even helpful. We can tell them about the lessons we learned from budgeting mistakes that led us to becoming financially stable today. We can tell them the mistakes we made cooking that taught us how to put tasty food on the table. We can tell them the mistakes we made managing our anger that have taught us to control our temper now. We can show them that mistakes are expected and accepted, and that they are opportunities to learn and grow.

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”

– Robert Fulghum

“Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something.”

– Morihei Ueshiba

Sharing your own mistakes, and allowing your children to make mistakes, also creates an environment in which they are not afraid to fail. We still wouldn’t have light bulbs if Edison hadn’t been afraid to fail…999 times! If we worry about making mistakes, we are more likely to make them. The phenomenon of “choking” in sports demonstrates this idea. If a basketball player is shooting free-throws for fun, they will succeed almost all the time. Put them on a court in front of thousands of fans when the score is close, and the fear of making a mistake increases the chance that they will miss. Basketball players miss more free-throws when the stakes are high than they do when they believe it’s okay to make mistakes. Every tennis player can get their serve in the service box. Put them in front of thousands of fans at break point, and they are more likely to double fault. They convince themselves that double faulting—making a mistake—is unacceptable. Being afraid to make mistakes implies that mistakes are failures rather than learning opportunities. Knowing that mistakes are okay, expected, and even welcomed actually increases the likelihood of success.

Kehlani enjoyed musical theater, but she was always too afraid to try out for a part. Finally, she did try out for a play, and she got a part in the chorus. At the first rehearsal, the director gave the cast permission to “Make as many mistakes as it takes to become awesome.” The director also explained that she would rather address mistakes in rehearsal than hear them for the first time on opening night. After the cast was given permission to make mistakes, tension decreased and so did the mistakes. On top of that, they had fun! As the actors learned their parts, some of them struggled with their lines, their dance moves, or their acting abilities. Because they knew mistakes were accepted, they became more creative. Some of their creative ideas were incorporated into the performance; some were not. But they would have never come up with new ideas if they hadn’t been given permission to fail. The cast did a better job because they didn’t worry about mistakes. Kehlani went on to try out for, and get parts in, many more plays.

Believing mistakes are not okay increases stress and makes mistakes more likely to happen. Believing mistakes are not okay increases defensiveness and justifications of bad behavior. Believing mistakes are normal, natural, and helpful creates an environment of safety, comfort, and optimal learning and growth.

“The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

– Thomas Edison